I started practicing law in the early ‘80s. Since then, I’ve done just about everything someone could do with a law degree—from being an associate in a small boutique law firm to working in-house counsel at a national trade association. I’ve litigated and done transactions. And I’ve even spent time on Capitol Hill in Washington working for a member of Congress.

Despite my legal resume, I am thinking of leaving it all behind for a career in—wait for it—chromatics.

Chromatics (often referred to as colorimetry) is the scientific study of color. Scientists in chromatics believe that various hues impact human behavior. They believe that the human senses and our reactions are impacted by color.

I have submitted a proposal to the National Academy of Such Things for a huge government grant on how the color gray impacts human behavior. As I have gotten older and my hair has turned a silvery ash, I noticed certain changes in my life. My study will be on the connection between my hair color and my reaction to modern human behavior.

For instance, when I had brown hair, my hearing was apparently unaffected by loud noises. Born to Run was made to be played with the volume turned up to 11. Today, when my young neighbors play “their music” loudly, I find myself getting quite irritated.

The only difference I can figure out is the difference in the changing color of my hair.

And speaking of music, the color gray actually makes me refer to something as “their music.” I wouldn’t know anything by Chance the Rapper any more than my parents would have known all the words to “Maggie’s Farm” by Dylan. Thinking back, my parents had gray hair that caused them to listen to Glenn Miller irrationally loud.

And while I get mad at my neighbors playing rap loudly, gray has an opposite impact when I’m watching television. Today I find I need more volume to watch a show, but gray also adds the wisdom to find the “closed caption” button on the smart television.

I also believe the color gray impacts the brain’s inability to suffer fools. When a cashier at a fast food restaurant cannot make change when the computer is not working, the color of gray compels within me a desire to climb behind the counter and do it myself while counting out the amounts at the top of my lungs. A current Protective Order for any McDonald’s within the U.S. and the European franchises keeps me from testing this particular theory again.

My future work in chromatics will be very important to any company buying television advertising during the nightly news.

Every break in news coverage is purchased by some pharmaceutical manufacturer that wants people with gray hair to feel better. And apparently, we have a lot on our plate other than our teeth. Gray causes joint pain, skin problems, erectile dysfunction, irritable bowels and a wide array of cognitive disorders. Sitting through any national news broadcast is like watching an episode of The Golden Girls entitled “Rose Makes A Trip to the Pharmacy.”

What was I writing about?

Oh yeah, chromatics.

So, the next time you see me aimlessly wandering around the streets of Ludlow, I’m not lost. I’m simply doing research. And staying that requisite 100 yards from any McDonald’s.

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