Well, with all the talk of fake news out there we thought we’d get into the act, too. If you can’t beat ’em join ’em, right?

By the way, you know I love this city and a few jabs here and there never hurt anyone. So please don’t blow up my Twitter feed. It’s all in fun. Remember when that was the norm?

At any rate, here are my predictions for 2019. Hope you enjoy.

McDonald’s and Burger King will merge. Yep, the new corporation will be called McKing! In a cost-cutting move, the McDonald’s characters are laid off. Ronald McDonald is spotted applying at Wendy’s.

Facebook will reorganize under Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. People are now forced to talk to each other in person. Eye contact becomes a major problem and people push navels thinking it’s the “like” button. Sinclair College retools classes adding a human social skills curriculum. Former Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg applies at McKing, demands a minimum wage increase of $550 an hour plus stock options and a company car.

Racism is eliminated in 2019... a fella can dream, can’t he?

President Donald Trump follows through on his plan to build a wall at the U.S./Mexico border. Dayton, once again the innovator, is chosen by Trump as an example of how to separate two groups of people. Trump then holds a press conference at our very own dividing line, the Great Miami River. (See above.)

To combat the heroin epidemic Dayton officials mix the narcotic in the drinking water supply. The city then bottles it which becomes a hot seller around the country. Tax coffers explode. New slogan in honor of the city’s aviation history, “Get High on Dayton,” becomes a national catchphrase.

The old Dayton Daily News building on Ludlow Street downtown is finally rehabbed. A “Newseum” opens inside with exhibits highlighting Dayton’s great media moments. Former talk show icon Phil Donahue emcees the grand opening, but with advanced age keeps asking, “Is the caller there?”

The Dayton Development Collation hasn’t anything more to develop and shuts down.

The Downtown Dayton Optimist Club has a small faction of disgruntled dissenters who form a new group “The Downtown Dayton Pessimists.” They disband shortly thereafter when they can’t decide where to meet and complain about no parking downtown.

In 2019 all the Kings horses and all the Kings men still couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty together again. The tortoise finally catches the hare and after almost 150 years Little Jack Horner can leave his corner. Just for monthly parental-supervised visits.

The debate is finally is over. The Wright brothers are and were the first in powered flight. North Carolina was indeed the place where the boys flew a heavier than air craft, but in recently released never-before-seen documents the Wright’s state they were in route to Kettering, took a wrong turn and ended up at Kitty Hawk. Documents don’t lie folks, plus it was posted on the internet where everything is factual and correct.

To enhance revenue the City of Dayton will offer “Sewer Tours.” Yes, go underground and walk the gigantic “city beneath the city.” You’ll experience life-size rats, possums, raccoons and other netherworld varmints. The fun begins when it rains and you literally “run for your life” while thousands of gallons of water wisk you and your party into the Great Miami River. Life vests optional and Box 21 brings its lights.

After citizen complaints for accuracy Five Rivers MetroParks will be renamed. Since we have the Great Miami River, Mad River, Stillwater River, Wolf Creek, and Twin Creek, Five Rivers will be now called Three Rivers and Two Creeks MetroParks. You heard it here first.

Chief Richard Biehl announces the Dayton Police Department is the recipient of a federal grant for additional officers to beef up patrols downtown. Chief Biehl is quoted as saying, “This will add two more officers to cover the city center. And with the two additional officers our patrols will now number three.”

And in a synergy move to save money the Dayton Police Department will share resources with Oakwood.

Dayton Police will offer Oakwood officers training in drug enforcement, S.W.A.T., juvenile crime prevention, special victim’s unit and homicide investigation procedures. In turn, Oakwood Police will offer their vast knowledge on writing speeding tickets.

Speaking of speeding tickets, the Oakwood Historical Society will donate its most prized possession to the National Archives and Records Administration—the first speeding ticket ever written in the country to … Orville Wright. Says a newspaper from the era quoting the arresting officer, “He was flying.”

In 2019, a revolutionary piece of legislation heralded around the country is signed into law. Dayton City Commissioners decide the best way to curb robberies, thefts and home invasions is to arm all its citizens. The “Grab Your Glock” handout is Tuesday, high noon.

NCR’s Old River Park, now owned by the University of Dayton, is transformed back to its original glory. The new “UD’s Old River” will offer swimming again, big checkers and chess, movies at night and canoeing in the lagoon. To replicate the days of old blocks of ice will be placed in the pool so you’ll freeze your tail off, just the way you remember.

“Buch Predictions” continue with 2019 becoming an accelerated year for climate change.

Dayton is 75 degrees and balmy year-round. The shoreline of Eastwood Lake becomes prime beachfront property. Retired snowbirds with big glasses descend, snapping up the new homes built there. Golf cart sales skyrocket.

Also, in the future due to declining subscriptions The Dayton Daily News will cease publication of the daily paper, opting for an online-only version. Newspaper carriers are re-trained on how to safely throw iPads on front lawns.

Finally, a new brewery opens using the Miami River as the primary source of water. It’s billed as giving you a “warm glow.” No really, the glow is from mercury and lead in the river, now in the beer. Dayton police and the OVI task force find it quite easy to spot drunks by how “lit” you are.

Remember folks, you heard it ALL here first. 

Cheers and Happy New Year!

Buch



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