Now that we know the two candidates for Dayton Mayor in November’s election – Dayton City Commissioner Nan Whaley and former judge and Montgomery County Auditor A.J. Wagner – another person is jumping into the fray, me, Jim Bucher.

OK, not really, but if I were sworn in as Dayton’s mayor, well, as Larry the Cable Guy would say, “Let’s git-r-done.” First, I need to take the oath.

“Do you solemnly swear to uphold the oath of office and perform the duties as mayor with fairness and impartiality and blah, blah, blah…?” Yes!

Now that that’s over with, let us begin.

First, all speed cameras and red-light violation cameras would be removed. Then, for added revenue, we’d lay them out in a field and for $1 you could take a swing at them with a sledgehammer. Come on, cuts down on speeding? This is nothing but a revenue enhancer for city coffers. Gone!

Next, every resident gets a Cassano’s pizza. They’re celebrating 60 years in business and the pizza would be paid for by a pizza tax, just a penny. Done!

Annex Oakwood. Sorry residents of the city to the south, but if there wasn’t a Dayton, you wouldn’t have Oakwood. Done!

And, somebody has to say it - kayaks and rapids for said kayaks in the Great Miami River! OK, that’s wonderful for the 20 people that love doing that sort of thing, but what about the other thousands of people who don’t?

How about, if you’re removing the low dam, then make the river as navigable as possible for maybe a site-seeing boat? Done!

And enough with the bike-friendly downtown bikeways. Don’t we have enough bike paths around our area? It seems like all they’ve done is screw up the traffic pattern in the center city. Gone! Done!

And finally, more police officers and firefighters. Don’t care what it takes. We need more. Let’s abolish some assistant city managers, or assistants to the assistants to the assistant. Done!

But wait, I’m not finished yet.

I posted the hypothetical question on my Facebook page about running for mayor, and WOW, the response was overwhelming. I wish I could share them all, but here are some highlights:

Don says, “A lot of what keeps Dayton alive is WPAFB related. Military/industrial can only sustain us for so long. We need to go all out to encourage manufacturing-, research-, and technology-related investment here. By the way, Buch ... I’d vote for ya.”

Chris adds, “Go back to neighborhood schools so parents can find it easier to deal with problem kids. Busing worked until most of the whites moved to the suburbs or went to parochial schools. The race issue needs to be dealt with.”

Kathy says, “Run, I’ll vote for ya. Humorously kick the idiots out of office!”

Angi’s take, “Jobs, schools, if you improve those two the people will follow.”

Rose says, “Stop tearing down old schools. They have history! Don’t know what idiot came up with that idea.”

J Lee adds, “Get rid of the city manager spot and make the mayor position mean something instead of a figure head with no power.”

Edna writes, “We have to get a grip on the population here. The thirty percent who are employed cannot continue to support the seventy percent who are not.”

Brenda says, “Wish you would run.”

And Brian agrees, “RUN!”

Danielle is steaming, “Parking meters!! They are not friendly to our businesses!!!! People get a ticket for $30 and don’t want to come back to downtown. Also, meter attendants are snotty and don’t explain the laws.”

And from Dayton residents (got a lot of these), but we’ll have Cindy speak for them, “I would like to see people walk on the sidewalks in my neighborhood, not walk on the streets! “

John says, “You should have your head checked.”

OK, think we’ll leave it at that, but fortunately, or unfortunately, I’m not running and technically, I’m not allowed to endorse a candidate in the Dayton Magazine. But, if mayor, my first real order of business would be to create a vice mayor position, appoint AJ Wagner, and then, I would resign.

Congratulations, Mayor Wagner! Meeting adjourned.

For nearly 30 years, Jim Bucher covered the Miami Valley for WDTN-TV in his "Bucher's Beat" segments. He is a columnist for Dayton Magazine.